Dear Pat Robertson

To Pat, from Satan (by way of Lily Coyle, Minneapolis Star-Tribune)

Dear Pat Robertson,

I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I'm all over that action.

But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I'm no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished.

Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth -- glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven't you seen "Crossroads"? Or "Damn Yankees"?

If I had a thing going with Haiti, there'd be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox -- that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it -- I'm just saying: Not how I roll.

You're doing great work, Pat, and I don't want to clip your wings -- just, come on, you're making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That's working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.

Best, Satan

To Pat, from his God (as I imagine it)

Dear Pat Robertson,

I recently viewed the correspondence between yourself and Satan from my omniscient perch up in the clouds--though that pesky beard everyone insists I keep got in the way every time I leaned down for a better look--and I have to say, in my omniscience, I'm not surprised. But it is a little disappointing, since after all, you do seem to think I've called upon you to represent Me to all of my people down there on earth.

You've read Job, haven't you, Pat? You remember how at the beginning I make this deal with Satan to test my servant Job to see how faithful he really is to Me? Has it occurred to you that perhaps you don't know all the details of my infinitely wise Plan as I obsessively micromanage everything from parking spots to hurricanes and earthquakes?

I also happened to catch that bit on the Daily Show--love that guy Jon Stewart, after all he's one of My Chosen People, even if he does curse too much on TV--and I have to say, it sounds like he's read my Words a little more thoroughly than you have. May I suggest a review course of My Book focusing specifically on the theme of Divine Compassion? For after all, if I choose to smite folks--for inscrutable reasons that I choose to keep to Myself, and by the way, I'd prefer for you to stop speculating on them in public--I also like to hang around for the aftermath to show My compassion.

Finally, Pat, if you thought what you signed in blood awhile back was a contract with Me, I hate to tell ya, but Satan's been working on that impersonation for all of eternity, and he's really starting to get My booming voice down...he's tricksy like that.

God